The University of Life.

Alright you bunch of spoon faced freaks? How the fuck is it goin?

EH...EH…EHHHHHHHHHH????????

It’s another dole day afternoon and I’m bored out of my massive mind but then again that’s nothing new is it. I’m always bored. I’m bored when I wake up. I’m bored when I go to sleep. I’m bored when I eat. I’m bored when I’m engaging bald men in fist fights and setting parts of my body alight in public…I’m just a pretty boring guy.

That being said I have many emotions as well as boredom, such as anger, revenge, spite, rage and the occasional fury. That last one is mainly reserved for people who post shit facebook statuses though.

So what has been getting my goat lately?

What’s been pulling my pecker… right off? So to speak...

Well I’ll tell you, it’s a little thing we call ‘university’, or that would be ‘Uni’ to all the hip kids out there.

Oh yes from a young age we are all told about the importance of education. You need a good education, stay in education they say. What you need bud... IS EDUCATION. Get some fucking learnin’ down your neck lad...fill yer’ boots.

Oh ok well this all sounds reasonable enough. We’ll go to nursery, yeah look I’m building my bricks, look at all the magic colours and shapes. I’m learning daddy look I’m learning weeeeehh weeeeeeehhhhhh higher daddy higher.

What’s next? Oh I have to go to school? Yeah that’s cool ...we go to school, I like to
learn…learning is good, its all going so well, I’m wearing some cheap polyester trousers and a neck tie. I’m eating warm sandwiches out of a food bag which appears to have been made from condoms, that’s cool. It’s good to protect your lunch from STD’s. Since this is a place of learning I guess the smartest kids are the coolest kids yeah? That sounds about right? I’m in with the popular crowd, all the cool kids wear spectacles, have an irrational fear of girls and the physique of E.T? It’s all good.

Oh wait no… I am in fact a geek now…I was sadly mistaken. Those fat, smelly, slow witted boys want to punch me in the arm because they think it’s ‘gay’ that I’m more intelligent than them…oh ok that’s cool…that’s just fine and dandy pal. I’ll just mind my own business and learn about that fat chump Pythagoras and get forced into outdoor P.E sessions, in the middle of winter, which involve running around semi nude, grappling with other boys in the mud as a muscular grey haired chap shouts abuse at me for being weak... some call it rugby… I call it a nonce’s wet dream but we can have our own opinions now cant we?

So anyway you stick school out for roughly 12 years and then they start telling you that you need to go to college…oh college? What’s that? I didn’t know about this? Oh yeah Lil’ Joey you gotta go to college now, You gots’ to go and get some more learnin’s kid, but this time you get to wear your own clothes. Really you mean my own, actual clothes? That’s fucking great. I get to learn even more things…and wear my own clothes at the same time? Imagine the novelty in that? I get to wear these clothes that I wear every fucking day...but now I get to wear them in a different building...that’s fucking fantastic? I’m sold.

I sign up for an art course… I sit around all day drawing cardboard boxes and smashing plates with a mallet to pass the time. They say Joey can you stop that for a moment you have to go to life drawing class. Oh really that sounds cool? I’m guessing we just draw things…you know…to do with life? Our hopes and dreams, what we hope to get out of life, that kind of thing? Beautiful sunsets and oil paintings of me climbing a mountain with Sting? Oh no Joey that’s not it, life drawing is where we hoist this fat, old woman on to this mattress and you draw her fanny with charcoal. Oh…wait a minute pal…is this legal? Oh yeah Joey this is compulsory, we’re just going to hoist her up on this step ladder on to this table so you can get a good view of ‘it’….b-b-b-but sir I don’t want to draw this old woman’s vagina, she has a hip replacement scar and this is the closest thing I’ve had to a sexual experience…HELP…HELPPPPPP…HELPPPPPPPP…

Ah well that’s over with and now I have a collection of drawings in my attic of a nude pensioners tits, then maybe I can move on to bigger and better things. This is where it’s at, once I’m done here I can finally do something useful with my life, like get a girlfriend or a job that earns me loads of money? I could make it big in the world? I could be a star, see the bright lights Mr…no more elderly labia’s for me.

But oh…no wait...now they’re saying you have to go to Uni? It’s very important that you go to Uni. If you don’t go to Uni you’re gonna have to work in the coal mines till you eventually rot and die in a pile of your own blood and excrement. Oh ok, well that sounds fair enough? I suppose I’ll just go to ‘Uni’ then?

…But err sorry to bother you ‘mate’ but what exactly is this ‘university?’

Well that’s a damn good question Lil’ Billy. University is basically when you don’t want to get a job and your parents can no longer stand you living in their homes as you’re a useless, masturbating freak with no prospects and force you out in to the big, bad world to fend for yourself

Oh yeah you get your own shit hole of a flat with a communal toilet, sharing it with a bunch of filthy chumps, so instead of walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night you choose to just urinate in your own sink (unless that’s just me?)

You stumble to a few lectures every week with a vicious hangover, a lecture which is essentially just some fat ponce reading through a PowerPoint presentation and looking smug about it. Then you get to write loads of essays about it after as a punishment for not listening.

You get to socialise with other likeminded people, much like a multicultural Jamie Oliver advert, but the goodtime fun has been replaced with newsagent’s cider and half arsed intercourse with fat chicks.

Well this all sounds brilliant but how much is it going to cost me Mr Luka?

Well you know ‘bud’ its near enough free of charge, you have roughly 3 years to attend so that would be about 3 grand for each individual year, now rising to 9 grand but that’s not including other expenses, so If I could just total this up on my calculator device I would probably say your total fee would be errrrrr… well over £20’000?

…but hey, I bet you sure do learn a lot for that kind of money?

Oh yeah pal once you walk out of there you’ll be earning that much a DAY...HOO HAH.

No BUD…this is sadly not the case I’m afraid. You walk out straight into the unemployment line and collect your weekly dole money so you can survive off Iceland frozen meals and get pissed off tinnie’s every once in a while to soothe the pain of your expensive failures. If you’re very lucky you might get to handle offal all day in a slaughterhouse or maybe a telesales job where your new boss is that chap from school who used to smell of piss and whack you on the head with a 50p coin for a bloody good laugh.

Oh that’s cool...no worries then. Sounds like a good time.

But Mr Luka if Uni is such a waste of time why do all these people seem to enjoy it so much? Well you see that’s because it takes a certain type of person to truly be a student. I’m not talking about a student in the way that one would learn and study a subject to become more educated. I’m talking about the kind of person that would tell you to ‘chillax’ at a Scouting for Girls gig. (Vom).

Now some may say (I really don’t know who these people are whom I keep referring to) ...but Mr Luka…you were a student back in the day? You know, before you got your long term career signing on at the dole?

My answer to that question would be no, I haven’t learnt anything since about 2002...so no worries there.

In fact I hate students and if I was to ever be classed as one I may just bite your nose clean off with my molars. I hate students so much if you were to even ask me to study anything I’d have to kidnap your family and slaughter them one by one to make you understand your mistake. It’s not just me though; everyone hates students, with their stupid satchels and love of the arts. You might think you’re pretty cool right now but wait till you decide to walk to town to purchase some more wacky t-shirts and Morrissey posters…oh yeah you’re prancing down the street in your funny little boat shoes thinking about how indie you are and then notice some chaps digging the road up. You get a little nervous don’t you, those gruff builder types are looking at you with their beady eyes? Dressing you down with their working class resentment and hairy forearms...you know what they are thinking don’t you pal?

‘BLOODY STUDENTS...BUNCH OF DICKS…GET A FOOKIN' JOB YOU PONCE’. (unless you’re female of course, to which they would simply ask you to expose your ‘fanny’ in that case.)

You try desperately to reason with them, if you could only explain…PLEASE...NO SIR...I’m not a real student, I’m not like them, look I’m covered in bizarre tattoos and have a child and a drinking problem …honest mate…look I’m calling you mate to show some kind of repore…pal…bud…squire…chief…cocker…you gotta believe me…

…alas…it is too late…you’re nothing to them but a cardigan wearing COCK.

So why should one be so disgusted in himself at the thought of being classed as a student? They are trying to better themselves; they are the future of this country Lukat? Leave them alone you horrible little man.

Well you see Lil' Billy…a student is a young person who has this wild idea that they are in fact more intelligent than they are and have a vast understanding of politics and other knowledge, for some reason thinking that people actually care about their little opinions which they produced from reading wikipedia. They haven’t realised that life is in fact a series of humiliations linked together by shame and embarrassment and all their dreams will be crushed into a fine paste and then hurled into the fires of eternal damnation. (Oh I know all about shame pal , you try falling down the stairs of a popular nightclub on your head, rolling out on the dance floor as your shoe flies off and hits an attractive girl...yeah you get up and try walking away with dignity after that one . Luckily I didn’t walk away, I decided to strut over a table instead and hit my head on a ceiling fan so there wasn’t too much embarrassment involved that time)

These BLOODY students…they wear pointy buckled shoes…berets…and other zany outfits to try and seem original but end up looking exactly the same as each other creating a hideous society of guys with wispy little beards, anchor tattoo’s and tiny pants.

These BLOODY students…they come from nice little villages and sleepy little towns where you can go out on a Saturday night and not get bottled by some furious lesbians whom you have offended on a previous excursion. (Not that I have a problem with the lesbians…great bunch of lads.)

These BLOODY students…they talk in southern accents and erm...YEAH…YEAH…THAT’S RIGHT…

So in conclusion I would just like to offer the following advice...don’t go to Uni. It’s a waste of time, just stay at home and watch Jezza Kyle on TV or something. That’s a real learning experience right there and it’s pretty much free...well other than a looming sense of despair and self loathing. You could even go and buy a speedboat with that twenty grand you’d save by not going to uni… imagine that...a fucking speedboat pal? You'd like that wouldn't you? Shooting off down the canal in your high powered boat without a care in the world?

If you’re still not convinced, I’ll tell you what University you should sign up for lad...the university of LIFE... Oh yeah had to get that one in there. You need to get yourself a criminal record and sign on the dole, maybe a job on a building site. That will sort you right out …be a real man…a degree in HARD BLOODY WORK MATE…just like the one I have, luckily I was able to Photoshop that particular certificate so I could spend more time with my main interest…doing
fuck all.

Yours educationally

Lukat