All the animals come out at night - whores, skunk pussies, buggers, queens, fairies, dopers, junkies, sick, venal. Someday a real rain will come and wash all this scum off the streets. Travis Bickle: (Taxi Driver, 1976)
Alright you festering parasites, you telltale tits, you bunch of seat sniffers, you twerps…you err…you fannies. As you can probably tell I’m all riled up, not my usual laid back self, smoking herbal cigarettes and listening to the Lighthouse Family. Oh no none of that PAL, that’s long gone. I was about to sit down and write a profound blog about an interesting subject like being on the dole or making love to fat chicks but NO…NO…NOW THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN IS IT? For any of my international readers (which I can only assume that there are many) riots have broken out across the U.K. A bunch of bell ends are currently smashing the country up and ransacking the shelves of Poundland and Aldi…feasting on the bargains with their selfish mouths…salivating over the anarchy as they drench themselves in damaged bottles of lynx Africa and chewing on packets of bizarre tomato sauce flavoured crisps which have long since been discontinued. Well I tell you what, Lukat aint going to stand for it. I’m usually a man of words, the pen being mightier than the sword of course, or in my case typing using only two fingers, very aggressively may I add, rattling away like the mythical falcon that I am. Anyway now is not a time for words but a time for action, so before I leave you all to go and battle these yobs in the street with my bare hands I shall leave you with a blog. So in actual fact I am just offering more words instead of actions but that doesn’t matter, nothing matters…NOTHING. This is the apocalypse, grab your samurai swords and bicycle chains and let’s go do some scum in.
The kids out on the street…they say Lukat, Mr Lukat we need someone to restore order to these shores. We need a man so powerful, so intelligent, and so brave that these thugs will cower in the streets, slinking away with their little willies between their chicken legs. That man is you Lukat; you must go to the city and pound them with your fists of morality. You must stomp in their ears with your Cuban heels, made of finest Italian leather. You must urinate on them, cleansing the evil from their souls with 100% pure Lukat holy water. Oh yes, you’re damn right. I’m aware no kids actually speak like this, but that doesn’t matter, I would never be selfish and let facts get in the way of an entirely fictional story.
Anyone who knows me is well aware of my long term ambitions to take to the streets in vigilante action, combating some sort of apocalyptic uprising. Some even mocked me for keeping a metal baseball bat next to my bed as I sleep in case confronted by criminals during the night but who’s laughing now eh…WHO? WHO’S LAUGHING? Certainly not me, laughter is for the weak.
Now I’m all up for biting a few ears off and furiously pounding on the youth of today but I could well be outnumbered, even though I do have the strength of a thousand men. This will take some careful planning and I may need to employ a crack team of mercenaries to help me on this mission, or maybe just some big lads from the pub. We could have a civil war on our hands right here…a dole civil war…the worst kind. On one side we have these pieces of subhuman scum, stealing and rioting and on the other hand we have us good, old dole boys, who spend our days applying for awful telesales job and surviving off Netto tinned hot dogs. Well we aint going to stand for it, we are men of integrity and terrible bank balances. We’ll ten man walk down there, our arms wide as though carrying carpets, our faces stern and primitive, grunting and drunk off scrumpy, ready to take down these no good looters. We’ll wear chain mail vests and carry bin lids, banging them with steering wheel locks as our war cry. A bunch of stray dogs following us, like our mighty white steeds I shall ride in, literally on the back of a very large Labrador leading the assault. ‘YOU STARTIN’ PAL…YOU FOOKING STARTIN’ EH CUMMON EN’ CUMMON’ PALLLLLLL’.
We’ll battle in the ashes of Primark, misshaped jeans in only XXL sizes and cheap t-shirts with nonsensical slogans litter the ground, ‘Beach valley volleyball inspector 1982’. Choking a scum boy with a gigantic plastic belt with faux cowboy buckle, hearing his impish screams ‘PLEASE…PLEASE…STOP MR LUKA…I’LL STOP LOOTING…THE MATERIAL FEELS SO CHEAP AND BADLY MADE ON MY NECK…ARGHHHHH’. No remorse though, none whatsoever, in the name of great men who built Primark, on the back of hard work and slave labour we will beat the mass produced savings in to their rat like faces.
We’ll stomp in their crime ridden guts in the rubble of Dixon’s. Crushing a yobs skull in a half price mini hi fi system, the cheap plastic severing his head in two. Forcing the scum to download educational material on the laptops and then transfer it to their I-pods, gluing the headphones to their ears till they can take no more. The haunting sounds of the elements of the periodic table penetrating their minds and crumbling the fragile psyche. ‘ARGHHH I’M LEARNING …HELP…I’M LEARNING…NOW MY ACTIONS SEEM FOOLISH AND I’M MODERATLY SHAMEFUL’. Come on you pussy…read Shakespeare’s Midsummer Nights Dream on this stolen Kindle then we’ll see what you’re made of.
We’ll feed them to death on the disgusting food items of B & M bargains…GO ON LAD…EAT THIS TUB OF COMMUNIST CHOCOLATE…EAT ITTTTT…COME ON…YOU LIKE TO STEAL…STEAL THIS MULTIPACK OF DIET SPRITE…DRINK IT ALL…DRINK ITTTTTTT…the scum drinking till their stomachs bloat from the horrible unchilled beverages, bought in bulk from countries with no food standards agency. Pummelling the thugs with an economy size pack of batteries, spraying them in the eyes with faulty tins of old spice till their eyes are red raw and badly fragranced. IT BURNS…IT BURNS…OH THE SMELL…THE SMELLLLLL. That’s the smell of justice lad.
There will be no mercy.
We will chase them back in the streets with water bombs full of urine. Splattering against their stolen sportswear and rendering them unable to function, fleeing back to their council towers for a long bath. No one’s hard when they’re covered in hot piss. A super soaker of elderly waste products hosing the trouble makers down, smelling like the toilet of an old folks home they lose any confidence and become shivering, smelly wrecks.
We’ll fight them back with sticks; stick with dog poo on the end. Chasing them about, wafting the offending item near their faces till they run with girlish screams. ERRR…ERRR IT’S GOT POO ON IT…ERR…IT STINKS…NO…NO NOT MY EYES. Watch them cower in pooey justice, feeble and defenceless as we rub it against their hair and new le coq sportif trainers freshly looted from JD sports…ruined forever. This is the price you pay boy; the shit stick has no consideration for your civil rights.
We’ll play on their narrow minded, homophobic beliefs. Chasing them down in the street, an army of naked men greased up and well tanned, erections in hand, bearing down on the yobs with lustful eyes. ERR GET AWAY FROM US YOU PUFFS…ERR NO…FUCK OFF...NO...NOOOO. Grappling them to the ground for a gruelling tickling session, glittery, wet patches left on their clothes from our oily chests and buttocks. Defeated and demoralised by the hideous sight of the nude, male member, glistening under the stars and moonlight they trudge home sodomised. 90’s techno music blaring out of ghetto blasters, assaulting the senses, creating a grotesque atmosphere of homo erotic, gyrating, sweating vengeance.
To be fair though it was a fantastic idea by the lads to start rioting for no apparent reason, other than to have a bloody good time and steal some bottles of mulled wine from Bargain Booze. You know the countries poor and there are no jobs, so let’s just go and smash the shit out of the place we have to live. That will sort everything out. Top notch idea lads, we’ll just rack up more national debt and further add to the current recession that’s already crippling the U.K
EH?…WHAT’S HE FOOKIN ON ABOUT…WE GOT FREE STUFF LOL…LOOK…WE GOT FREE NIKE SHOCKS FOOKIN BUZZIN’ PAL INNIT LOL LOOK DAT CARS ON FIRE LOL LMFAO LET’S THROW STONES AT THIS FIRE TRUCK OH LOOK GRANS HOUSE IS ON FIRE LOL… HELPPPP HELLLPPPP LIL’ TIMMY HELPPP YOUR GRAMMY HELPPP...I’M BURNING LIL’ TIMMY…THE FLESH IS PEELING FROM MY OLD WEATHERED BONES….IF ONLY THE FIRE SERVICE WERE ABLE TO COME AND HELP ME FROM THIS INFERNO BUT NO…YOU THREW STONES AT THE FIRE TRUCK TIMMY NOW THEY CAN’T COME TO HELP YOUR GRAMMY…LOOK AT ME NOW …HELPPPPPPP…I’M BURNING HELPPP…I WILL HAUNT YOU TIMMY…MY BURNT FLAMING FACE TIMMY…TIMMYYYY…HELLLPPPPPPP…OH IT’S OK YOU STOLE A BOX FULL OF OLLY MURRS CDS…MY HORRIFIC DEATH SHALL NOT BE IN VAIN…I’M BURNING TIMMY..I’M BURNING…MY EYEBALLS ARE MELTING...MELTINGGGGGGGGGG…ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Well Grannies gone little Timmy…Granny gone and did got dead boy.
On the other side though we have the general public going completely ape shit as usual and calling for rioters to be shot and killed. This seems perfectly reasonable to me, how would we go about having this done you ask? How would we go about changing the law enforcement rules of the country and instead of trying to resolve the situation in the most reasonable manner with damage limitation, we will simply just slaughter a bunch of people to settle the differences, because that always work. All you have to do is sign a facebook petition to bring back corporal punishment. That will definitely sort everything out, I’m sure these facebook petitions are completely valid and not started by some bored, idiot playing on the sensationalist views of the general public. They clearly have direct ties to high ranking government officials and they are NOT…I repeat NOT some lonely, slow witted, chronic masturbator trying to gain popularity by gaining the support of other slow witted, chronic masturbators to feel some sense of achievement and connection to people. KILL EM ALL PAL…SEND EM OFF TO THE ARMY…THAT WILL SORT THEM OUT. Definitely, that will sort everything out, we need to send some looting, rat faced twelve year olds in to the army to aid in the frontline battle against terrorism, excellent though process there. Kill them, hang them…hang the kids. That is most definitely the solution to the current crisis, we’ll hang them all…hang a bunch of ten year old chavs for stealing trainers and smashing windows. Genocide is an excellent option, now if we all just sign this facebook petition I’m sure we can legalise GENOCIDE. That’s how it works you see, we change the world by joining facebook groups to show our outrage instead of actually doing anything to benefit the community. Just join a facebook group pal…hang the kids…hang the fucking kids…send the kids to the army…send them to concentration camps…gas the kids…gas the Jews…oh wait? That was something else of absolutely no relation.
In conclusion I leave you this challenging though. People are fucking idiots.
Yours playfully.
Lukat.
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