Showbiz.

Alright you peckers, you puffs, you smug mouth breathing freaks? I haven’t written a blog in a while, since I have fuck all to talk about anymore. I could offer excuses that I’ve been busy but we all know that’s not true so instead I’ll just say it’s because I couldn’t be arsed. Got a problem with that bud? We can throw down right now if there’s a problem here? We can go outside and have a quiet word, so quiet that you have to ask me to repeat what I said, further angering me. This situation is progressing isn’t it? Then maybe I’ll make nonsensical statements that have no logic and when you question them I’ll say ‘CALLIN ME A LIAR PAL…CALLING ME A LIARRRR???? CUMMON EN’. As is the usual procedure for any conversation undertaken in the streets of Burnley. So yeah...no blog…mate.

Luckily I noticed that a new series of celebrity big brother has started on channel 5, a channel exclusively for intellectuals. So this got me thinking about celebrities, a great bunch of lads aren’t they? I mean they’re like us but better? Better because they’re on the telly, doing various things like eating monkey testicles and having enemas live on air just to get noticed. It’s brilliant really if you think about it, I mean you don’t even have to be any good at anything to be a celebrity now. It’s not like you need any actual skills or talent, you can just be a famous personality, like that little arsewhipe Jeff Brazier, who is pretty much famous because he shagged Jade Goody (God bless her soul). Which to be fair was a brave and courageous act, he’s a bigger man than me (not literally, the cheeky wee bastard) for doing that but still, should someone make a lot of money and be forced in to our homes on a daily basis, simply because one time they shagged Jade Goody? I’m not so sure but if this is the way to become successful then I think Fizz off Coronation Street better lock her door tonight because Lukat's a comin’ and he’s going to huff and puff and blow your fucking house down then make dirty love to you in the rubble, grasping your curly ginger locks like the reigns of a mighty steed YEEHAWWWW.

So anyways, Celebrity Big Brother? Seems like an interesting premise, a bunch of high profile superstars locked in a house together for a few weeks. I wonder what kind of antics they’ll get up to? No doubt having many profound conversations and creating moments of surreal entertainment? Who’s in it? Bono? Mick Jagger? Al Pacino?

Nah mate…nah…Jedward's in it though.

Oh…oh ok…well erm…Jedward…that’s pretty cool. Who else? Is Mike Tyson in there? Is David Beckham in there? What about Nelson Mandela?

Nah mate …Kerry Katona is though.

Who?

You know Kerry Katona, she did the Iceland adverts.

Oh right what did she do before that?

Erm, I think she did coke for a bit.

Oh

Well the charming and gorgeous, Kerry Katona is well worth the price of admission; She is all that is beautiful about woman. I assume she’s doing this to get her life back on track…good thinking, ‘People have an unflattering view of me so I’ll sort that out by sprawling my grotesque frame out on national television, then people can see me as the hideous, stupid trollop I really am…seeking some hollow adoration from the general public… LOOK AT ME…PLEASE…LOOK AT ME…I’M A CELEBRITY…LOVE ME…LOVE MEEEEE.’

Well that all sounds bloody fantastic…what do you expect though, the last time I actually watched the thing, Michael Barrymore was accepted back on national television as some kind of funny man…THIS Michael Barrymore that fisted a man to death and hurled his corpse in the swimming pool after a night of heavy partying (all speculation)…but hey no worries…that’s cool…he’s back now and he’s sorted his life out, it’s all fine now…fisted a man to death (all speculation)…well these things happen…I mean someone has to get fisted to death every so often, he wasn’t a celeb so who gives a shit.

So once you put a gentleman who in the past has FISTED A MAN TO DEATH (all speculation)…yes I’m going to keep repeating that phrase FISTED A MAN TO DEATH because I enjoy it, whether the evidence is damning or not, I guess anything goes. This time on celebrity big brother…

We are waiting the next contestant in the big brother house; I mean can it get any bigger than Jedward? Here comes the limo now, it’s…it’s…it’s HITLER’S SKELETON…YES HITLER’S SKELETON IS IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. This is amazing, the Fuhrer himself is here, in decayed form, I imagine he wants to put aside the whole holocaust business and showcase his more laid back skeletal side. Hitler’s Skeleton is actually here, being wheeled out by the cheeky girls in full Nazi dress…and aren’t they looking lovely, this is what showbiz is all about. Hitler was last seen ordering the organized slaughter of thousands of people to create his Arian super race but we haven’t seen much of him since, being dead and all, he’s just a bag of bones. Expect sparks to fly, probably the biggest celeb we’ve had in the big brother house since Vanessa Feltz, the skeleton of the most evil man in the history of the universe is here, will there be romance with Kerry Katona? I can not wait.

While Hitler’s bones are being hoisted up the stairs to chat with Brian Dowling we await the next contestant.

Who’s next I am literally shaking with excitement, can this outdo Jedward, Kerry Katona and the Fuhrer's bones?

Who is it…OH MY GOD…IT’S GARRY GLITTER? Listen to the boo’s from this crowd. The world’s most famous paedophile is here and he is back, this is Glitter the comeback, the comeback tour...the king of rock and roll. Look at him working the crowd, stroking his satanic beard; literally thrusting his way past this baying crowd in his platform shoes and metallic jumpsuit, the glam rock prince is back. This crowd is going wild, total frenzy, we haven’t seen Garry in some time, having shipped him to Cambodia to save the future generations of our species from his psycho sexual, glam rock sex offences but he is back and better than ever. Look Glitter just stole a child’s lolly pop and is sucking it seductively, this is MUST SEE TV. Will the public warm to glitters charm? We all love a comeback story, can Glitter redeem himself for past crimes and molest the hearts of the general public. Can you hear that tribal drumbeat, what a performer dum da dum dum da dum NAHHH NAHH NAHH NAHH...HEYYYYYY. Look at him go GARRY GARRY CAN WE HAVE A WORD WITH YOU GARRY? WILL YOU BE RELEASING A BEST OF ALBUM?

“HEHEHERGHHH why hellooo, anything for you treacle HAHAHAHHHARGHHHH”

Garry you are looking fabulous it’s so good to see you here, the last time we saw you in the newspapers you had much less hair, can you tell us is this a toupee or transplant?

“HEHEHEHRGHHH well Treacle Channel 5 are paying me a substantial amount of money to be here so I thought why not invest in a luxurious piece of head fabric, a man must look his best, when in Rome HEHEHEHEHRHGHH.”

Great stuff Garry, can you tell us why you agreed to be here, obviously there is some controversy with you being a sinister paedophile? Also Jedward are in the house, will there be any interest there?

“HEHEHEHEHRGH well treacle, Jedward are a lovely bunch of boys, lovely, lovely pure virgin flowers, with their soft blonde hairs dancing upon their delicate flesh, like sweet, sweet honey candy… but who knows. I want to put all that behind me, we all make mistakes do we not? Sure in the past I may have had an acquired taste for young boys but I want to put that right HAHAHRHGHGHGHGH I want to be remembered as the true performer I am, I’M THE KING OF ROCK N ROWLLLLLLLL…HEY HEY HEY.”

That’s great to hear Garry, so glad you’re back, we wish you all the best.

As Garry levitates up the stairs, his pot belly bursting out from his shiny one piece, we wait in awe for the next celebrity.

WE HAVE THE YORKSHIRE RIPPER…PETER SUTCLIFFE…one of the most famous serial killers in recent memory is here…the bearded murderer himself, we got him out of prison just for the show…sure he brutally killed a load of innocent women but this is the entertainment business and he’s here. THIS IS SHOWBIZZZZZZZ. Who knows what will happen? Kerry Katona better watch her back, will drama unfold as Peter tries to stab her to death in the diary room? Are the public ready to forgive him? Who is more evil, Glitter, the Yorkshire ripper, Hitler’s bones…or Kerry Katona? Only you the public can decide. MUST SEE …MUST SEE. This is amazing, look at his wild eyes scanning over the women of the crowd, saliva dripping from his animal lips in to his filthy beard. Oh dear Peter is having to be restrained by the Big Brother security…GET HIS HANDS OFF HER NECK…COME ON…WE’RE LIVE ON AIR…oh it’s ok Peter has calmed down now, PETER, PETER CAN WE GET A FEW WORDS..

“WARHGHGH WHAT YA FOOKIN WANT YA CUNT ...CUNT CUNT...I’LL FOOKIN KILL YER…ARGHHRARGHHHHH.”

What a character hahahaarrrr, great to hear from you Peter

Here comes the final celebrity, this is shaping up to be the most explosive Celebrity Big Brother yet.

Ok he’s getting out of the limo…who is it…who is that seriously? OH IT’S JORDIE CHANDLER. Some of you may remember Jordie from the early 90’s where he claimed he was molested by the legendary Michael Jackson. Of course Jordie is a grown man now, we will get word from him in a moment as he slumps past the baying crowd…listen to those boo’s, there are a lot of diehard Jacko fans here tonight, Jordie is receiving a hostile welcome, even more hostile than the breath taking Glitter entrance. JORDIE…JORDIE

Can we get a few words, where have you been Jordie? We haven’t heard from you in a long time? Tell us everything Jordie?

“Well you know I just wanted to show people there’s more to me than being allegedly molested by the prince of pop. Sure there was the Jesus juice and the high profile law suit but there’s so much more to Jordie Chandler…I mean there’s Jordie Chandler the poet…the musician…Jordie chandler the artist…Jordie chandler the …”

OK great to hear from you Jordie; glad to see you’ve recovered from the alleged molestation, I’m sure you have many Jacko based stories to entertain the house with?

“Oh well I’m not really allowed to talk about him, we reached an out of court settlement…”

Oh…right…well err…CAN WE REPLACE THIS GUY? NAH NAH HE CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT? NAH WHO HAVE WE GOT AS A REPLACEMENT…WHAT…OH GARETH GATES IS HERE?…OK SEND HIM IN...nice one…

Day 5 in the Big Brother house:

Romance is blossoming between the Yorkshire ripper and Kerry Katona, will this cause fireworks in the house after her initial fling with Hitler’s bones? Glitter is still trying to coerce Jedward in to sitting on his lap…this is brilliant stuff

Day 12 in the Big Brother house:

Peter has flown in to a psychotic rage after discovering Kerry has rekindled her romance with Hitler, fingering herself with Hitler’s shin bone, shinning herself silly. Security is currently trying to calm him down...PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE PETER…SHE’S NOT WORTH IT ...CALM DOWNNN.

Day 14; Peter has slaughtered Kerry Katona live on air…can we send in a replacement? Is Jodie Marsh still free? O.k. send her in again.

This is SHOWBIZZZZZZZZ.

But not all celebrities are attention grabbing whores, desperately trying to cling on to the last scraps of fame by literally doing anything to remain slightly relevant, no matter how pathetic or degrading it is.

There are good celebrities, celebrities who are here to help, like Peter Andre? Of such great programmes as ‘Peter Andre- the next chapter’. I myself didn’t get chance to read the first chapter but I’m sure the next chapter is even better. Well Peter has a new show on ITV2 (great channel), ‘Peter Andre-Here to help’.

An exciting premise where Peter gives back to ‘the great British public’, who have supported him for so long. I’m not sure I’m familiar with this public; I’m more familiar with the slow witted, fickle, sheep like public, slowly dithering towards their dull demise…but anyway.

Yes each week Peter lends out his Jesus like hand to someone who is in need; of course he’s not allowed to use any of his own money for this. Oh I see, but why is that Peter? Oh it’s the rules you say, the rules of the television programme that someone made up, to make it more entertaining. So you’re actually here to help, as long as it’s entertaining, as long as it fits in with the time limit and as long as it showcases you as the modern day Jesus you really are? Well that all sounds above board to me, Peter Andre is here to help…his faltering career...by helping you...the working class scum…as long as it doesn’t cost him anything…and as long as it gets him on ITV2? I mean some cynics might say that if you really wanted to help people you wouldn’t feel the need to draw attention to it by making it in to some kind of cheap, tacky exploitation of vulnerable people’s problems, so we can see Peter Andre showing what a great guy he is? Cynics might say that…they might, not me though, I love all of ITV2’s programming.

This week Peter helps a young parent with a terminally ill child.

Oh Peter I’m so glad you’re here, little Bobby can’t wait to meet you, he’s not been well at all, it will be a real lift for him.

“Ah gudday mayt thads awl well and gud but bedda wait til tha cameras awrr rowllinnn' Sheila…can we gedda ta say thada again?”

Oh peter I know the rules of the show say you can’t use any of your own money but please, just while it’s me and you, Bobby needs an operation and we’re a thousand pounds short. I would never usually ask this but since you’re here to help, it could save his life.

“Well thads awl well and gud Sheila bud oiy downt make tha rules luv. Ya know how id is, itv2 say I carnt use any of mi munney, maybe liddle Bobby wud loik ta meet Donny Osmond instead, thatd cheer the liddle fella roight up ey Sheila? Donny Bluddy Osmond?”

B-b-b-but peter…he’s dying Peter; he doesn’t know who Donny Osmond is? Please Peter we know the show has rules and we respect that but if you could just do this off camera, out of the kindness of your own heart…HE’S DYING PETER...MY BABY BOY IS DYING?

“Look eyr Sheila I hear ya pain but I’m a celebridy, if the cameras aint rowlin then how are people ta know whada bluddy good guy oy am ey? Now save yer tears luv, this is showbiz, CAN WE GET THOSE CAMERAS ROWLIN, GEDDER TEARS ON CAMERA WILL YA? HAVE ME COMFORTIN HER A LIDDLE; MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BLUDDY GREAT GOIYYYYY.”

SHOWBIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Well that’s just wonderful, of course peter Andre isn’t a heartless, murderer, he’s a bloody great guy. Maybe one day I can be half the man that Peter Andre is, one fine day. You don’t get that for free though, nothing comes for free in this world, so I’m just off to expose myself in a shopping centre, you know, to get some attention. Please like me? Come on mate please like me? I’ll do anything if you like me? Look I don’t need any beliefs or dignity or my own thoughts I’ll just dance for you…look I’m doing a funny jig, look I’m snorting coke off a toilet seat…look please…give me some attention, recognise me…come on it’s me mate…don’t you recognise me? It’s me off the telly?...LOVE ME…PLEASE...LOVE ME….LOVE MEEEEEEEEEE.

Anyway that’s all for this week, I’m glad we could share this time together.

Lukat.