More Feline Frolics.

I just stood in the battering wind and pouring rain and watched a horse take a dump in a field. This about sums up my life at the moment.

Yes maybe this isn’t the glamour life I always dreamed of but at least it’s mine. Maybe sitting on public transport all day with alcoholics and people with vile body odours isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but this is MY return ticket to Blackburn and these are MY dole forms and this is MY lukewarm 4 pack of Carlsberg. Maybe crawling to the job centre on your hands and knees for your dole pennies would make a lesser man feel somewhat small or shameful but not I… for I am the Lukat…hear me purr….purrrrr….purrrrrr…meowwww…REEEEEER. This bitch got claws.

So anyway as I sit here staring at facebook waiting yet again for a job to call back and tell me I have been unsuccessful this time (but GOOD LUCK in all future endeavours…so nice of them) you begin to wonder what it’s all about…not life, no…we know what that’s about don’t we. Life is a series of crushing blows and rejections until we all eventually wither and die, it’s an uplifting thought…BUT NO…what is facebook about? This little white and blue screen where I have all these pretend friends who share their deepest darkest secrets with me, usually punctuated with some kind of emotive face. Oh something bad happened I’m sadddd…sad face : ( …Really, what was it? YOU AREN’T DYING ARE YOU? PLEASE GOD NO, DAMN YOU LORD …DAMN YOUUUUU…oh I see , the sad face was because you’ve been single for 6 hours and need someone to validate your existence, (eh wads e’ fookin on bowt?) well no worries I’m sure some idiot with a hard on will fuck you soon and you can get back to usual : ) maybe a STE…or a KEV or even a DAMO if you’re lucky, after he’s finished selling E’s to school kids…He’s just a bloody good laugh aint he with his steroids and tribal tattoos…LMFAO Damo just taught my kid how to call me a fucking bitch…LMFAO Damo just farted in my face and it stinks…LMFAO Damo’s off to prison for a bit…oh sad face : (

Facebook also gives a chance to dull people to suddenly become sexy and flirtatious. It’s real simple all you need to do is say something bland and put a winky tongue face just after it. ‘Just nipped to the shop to buy some butter ; o p’. Oh really that must be really risqué and erotic, my imagination is running wild, it’s filthy, thinking of spreading that butter over someone’s tits and watching it melt in, standing there over them with phallus in hand, saliva dripping from your mouth, looking down on your buttery treat, slick with passion, licking your lips waiting to tuck in to your love crumpet…oh that’s not it? You just went to the shop and that was the end of the story?…Oh I see…well that’s pretty sexy? ; p cheeky cheeky. Well that’s cool it doesn’t matter that you have no personality or any interesting qualities, if you just put a winky tongue face after every statement then that’s just fine. Maybe you should add some comedy to your words as well…not by being funny, but just by adding ‘lol’ after everything you say to imply that it was some piece of sharp comedic wit…"Hia u ok lol wuu2 lol, not much lol just staring at the screen with my emotionless, inanimate face lol."

LOL LOL oh how we all laughed, how we all laughed at the thing that wasn’t funny. Sometimes we laugh too hard, sometimes we LMFAO…we literally laugh our fucking arses off and need to go to hospital to have our own arse’s grafted back on to our bodies with a series of lengthy and agonising operations that leave us unable to sit down for years after. Oh what comedy there was to be had…when that person said something that wouldn’t even warrant acknowledgement in real life and our arses were ripped from our own bodies in a cruel twist of fate brought on by our psychotic laughter...HAHAHAHAHAHAHRGHHHHHH or maybe we ROFL, we literally roll around on the floor laughing, it doesn’t matter where, maybe you check facebook on your phone whilst walking through the bad part of town and you read something so funny, so incredibly funny that you are forced to get down on the floor and roll around in broken glass, used condom, dog faeces and syringes…it was all worth it for the laughter though TEEEHEHEHEEEE…ROFL just got a used needle stuck in my arse which I just had grafted back on after previously laughing it off : ( It’s good to laugh.

We don’t just laugh though we get to like things as well. We can like anything we want, it’s that simple. Why have opinions on anything when you can just like something instead? You can like naked cuddles in bed? You can like that awkward moment when BLAH BLAH BLAH WHO GIVES A FUCKING SHIT. You can like things that are thought up by illiterate idiots to give some kind of meaning to their lives and in turn by getting other people to like them you can feel like you’re part of some special group and accepted by society…LOL I like that time when err… lol when yer gran does sumat mental LOL when err that awkward moment when err LOL haha yeah when err you cuddle naked in bed LOL you know err…I like Michael Macintyre lol….err and Chris Moyles LOL he’s well funny, when they’re both cuddling naked in bed telling their jokes LOL that awkward moment when Macintyre and Moyles brush cocks LOL and then they start kissing LOL and yeh my gran's mental LOL yeh she is but err you know THAT AWKWARD MOMENT when HAHAHA oh yeah when errr yeah YOU BROKE MY HEART I WILL LOVE YOU FOREVERRR… LIKE… I’M DESPERATE…LIKE… I HAVE NO SELF RESPECT BECAUSE ALL MY VALUES CAME FROM WATCHING TWILIGHT…LOL INT THAT WEARWOLF FIT LOL…PROPA NICE PECS LOLZ….LIKE…LIKE… GIVE ME SOMETHING TO LIKE…I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO THINK UNLESS SOMEONE ELSE GIVES ME AN OPTION OF LIKING IT…I’M SAT HERE IN MY OWN URINE JUST WAITING TILL SOMETHING ELSE POPS UP ON THE SCREEN FOR ME TO LIKE SO I CAN MAKE SOME KIND OF DECISION BASED ON WHAT POPULAR CULTURE TELLS ME TO DO…LIKE LIKE…I LIKE IT WHEN ERR…DUDE…DUDE… DUDE the awkward moment when your gran and err and Chris Moyles and err…and naked cuddles in bed and err...my hearts broken…you'll never find anyone like me...like...like err what if I don’t like this? Oh I don’t have an option…just like it…oh ok …I like it when you were... I don’t know, doing something whacky probably, yeah I liked that…oh yeah and something to do with COD yeah what else is popular erm…like…I like water…that’s pretty cool, keeps me alive and stuff…maybe air would be another…I like air….what else?…Other than water and air, erm biscuits are ok, do other people like biscuits? Would it help if I started a group then maybe we could find some common ground? I like whatever you do, that’s just the kind of guy I am. (Having said all this you can officially like Joe Luka on facebook if you want to do something worthwhile so err…you get goin’ now pal….LIKE…LIKE…LIKE…LIKE…LIKE…FUCKING LIKEY LIKE LIKE LIKE…yeah…cool.)

That’s not all though, facebook has become a place where we can all express and share our love. Imagine it, that day when after 20 years of living your pathetic existence you finally manage to convince a girl to spend more than a few hours with you. You manage to brainwash her in to thinking that maybe…maybe this guy isn’t a dick? Maybe he’s a pretty good guy, just misunderstood? Yeah that’s it I can change him, I can make him in to a reasonable member of society who doesn’t try to set his penis on fire for a laugh and who has never eaten currency to prove some kind of point. Well facebook allows you to showcase your romance with the relationship status…are you IN A RELATIONSHIP...or is it …COMPLICATED…you know maybe the family dog started licking your balls while you were sleeping and you got turned on unintentionally but you know deep down that in your subconscious that maybe you actually enjoyed it when the dog performed oral sex on you…but at the same time it is a family pet after all and you grew up together, so the dog’s more of a brother really so now it’s getting all blown up in your head that you’re having an incestuous relationship with the family pet…you know…maybe that’s complicated?

..But anyway…YEAH…a relationship…Joey Luka is in a relationship with (woman with bad taste in men). That’s all well and good, so happy, this wonderful whirlwind romance, oh how we laughed LOL LOL the wine, remember the wine? The lambrini on the public bench outside the bus station? Yes those were the days. OH but God forbid, what if this magical relationship doesn’t work out? Maybe it wasn’t meant to be after all? Where is the wine now? Where is it? It’s not me it’s you…you branded her elderly father a faggot because he couldn’t beat you in a drunken fist fight at Sunday lunch. That’s ok I’ll get over it in time, just as long as I have some time to myself you know, a little privacy. I don’t want everyone knowing straight away, I’ll just change my relationship status though so I don’t have to be reminded of my lost love, no one will notice anyway.

JOE LUKA IS NOW SINGLE

What…WHAT? Why did you do that facebook? Why did you take advantage of our friendship and publish the single most crushing moment of my life for the world to see? You shoved me to the ground facebook…you rubbed my face in the dog dirt and you mocked my heartbreak and gave people the option to LIKE it. Sniggering at me as I sob in the corner…but…but I thought we were friends? Then it gets better, you finally get over this devastating event, you know you finally get your life back on track. You’re feeling good again, it’s been a year or so since and you’re a changed man. Yeah well that’s what you think pal but facebook has other ideas because it’s got a brand new feature where it shows you old statuses. Yeah what was old Joey Luka saying on this day exactly one year ago? What was ol’ Joey Luka up to way back then…well…why not have a little look eyyy?

‘JUST BEEN DUMPED, I FEEL SICK : (‘

eeeheheheherghhh….ehehehegghhh what a pussy…ahhhhh I bet you was a WHEEPIN’ BOYYYY…A WHEEEEEPINNNNNNN….WHEEEPINNN OVER YOUR LOST LOVE JOEY HEHEHEHEHEHHEHERHGHHH YOU PUSSY….LOOK AT THIS LADS…OL’ JOEY LUKA HERE, FELT ILL HE SAYS, LOVESICK…BOOKED IN TO THE HEARTBREAK HOTEL EHHEHHERHGHHH COME ON EVERYONE LETS GATHER ROUND HIM…COME ON IN A CIRCLE NOW…EVERYONE READY…LET’S GET A CHANT GOING…….shhhhh…wait for it… come on now…

…cry

…cry

…….cry

…CRY…CRY…CRY…CRY…CRY CRYYYYYY

Oh man he’s sobbing like a child, this is a bloody good laugh, make sure we all gather round for the 2 years anniversary of his heartbreak yeah? Same time next year, don’t worry we’ll notify you all on facebook it’s ok, nah he’s fine just give him a towel to mop his tears…soft bastard.

…but it’s not just my heartbreak that facebook cares about. When will they draw the line in the sand? Maybe they’ll feel the need to not only share my fractured relationships with the world but other private matters as well. Who cares eh, it’s all about the page views; let’s see what misery we can squeeze out of the bastard now.

JOE LUKA’S GRANDAD IS NOW IN HIS COLD SHALLOW GRAVE ROTTING SLOWLY.

Oh thanks facebook

JOE LUKA HAS A SMALL PENIS AND IS SHIT IN BED.

Oh well that was uncalled for now


But other than the disturbing attitude towards privacy it’s a pretty fun place right?

Good old status updates, yeah they’re a lot of fun, if there’s one thing I want more of it is hearing the views and opinions of people I moderately dislike but not enough to delete them off my friends list, grasping on to some flimsy sense of popularity. Maybe it’s not so bad, keeping in touch with your friends though, keeping them updated as to what’s going on with your life. Hey Joey Luka is off flying his kite again in the field. Joey Luka is helping an old dear to cross the road with her shopping bags. Joey Luka is begging for a job at Poundland and offering to work 60 hours shifts for free…that’s cool.

But what’s not cool is people abusing these statuses. People who in fact decide to use their status as some greasy tool to try and grab your sympathy…to get you to say things like… AWWWW YOU POOR THING...POOR YOU…POOR POOOOOR YOU : ( : (

...well it’s not gonna happen pal.

If there’s one thing I dislike it’s sympathy for my fellow man. Nothing makes Joey Luka more sick than watching a bunch of chumps sad facing me and trying to make me feel emotion…trying to make me feel PITY of all things. Oh no none of that, I’ll drink your tears boy. You post one of your self pitying updates and I’ll drag you out of the house, kicking and screaming in your undies, I’ll strip them down around your ankles and I’ll bend you over on the lawn, smothering your sobs with my filthy hand, reeking of cider. Oh yeah boy let’s hear you cry now because you know where this is going…oh yeah that’s right…Joey Luka is going to go prison style on you right here right now, not because he’s in to that kind of thing, simply to prove that he can. That’s right HOWLLL...HOWLLLL…HOWWWLLLLLLLLLL…I’M GONNA HAVE MY WAY WITH YOU…THEN FEED YOU A PLATTER OF KNUCKLE PIES…THIS IS KNUCKLE SUPPER...AND YOU’RE GOING TO EAT EVERY LAST…ONE...OF…THEM.

Nah of course not, I would never condone raping and assaulting a person as a reasonable reaction to them posting an irritating status. Instead just simply stare at the screen, burning with low key hostility, thinking of cutting replies that you could send back, which you never do obviously, but it’s the thought that counts.

WAHH WAHH WHY WILL NO ONE LOVE ME...IM THINKING OF HER.…WHERE IS SHE??? <3<3<3...WHAT WENT WRONG? DON’T TALK TO ME...NO...NO...DONT SPEAK TO ME IM TOO UPSET.

I wont speak to you pal, I had no intentions of speaking to you anyway so no need to highlight this fact. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself because this is why your woman left...because you’re a fat useless pussy and if you don’t want anyone to talk to you then SIGN OFF facebook since that’s the whole purpose of it…TO INTERACT WITH OTHER PEOPLE YOU FAT PUSSY...PUSSY…YOU PUSSY...ARGHH…I WANT TO WATCH YOU BLEED…ARGHHH…woah woah woah…cool it…way too much sodomy in these blogs. Anyways I’ll mind my own business and you go and sit in your bed masturbating over Japanese cartoons and crying into your pink sausage like fingers and stay out of my way…or I will give you something to cry about...oh yes I will brother

But hey we all have problems?

Luckily facebook is here to help...to help… with a little help from your friends…we get by…with a little help… from our friends.

Now baring that in mind facebook wants us to make more friends, they’re just so bloody generous. That’s why they invented the ‘people you may know’ tool. What a brilliant idea, we can get in touch with all those fabulous people we may have lost contact with in the past. They can all come flooding back in to our lives, gathering in the clear blue ocean of friendship.

But sadly it doesn’t always work out like that does it pal, especially when the people facebook recommends aren’t quite the wonderful people we want back in our lives. In fact most of these people are the slow witted, idiots you purposely left behind at school and even the thought of seeing their grinning faces makes you sick to your stomach. Now facebook decides to drag them all back into your life, sweating away like some never ending school reunion, wanting to reminisce about the old days when they used to try and fart on you in P.E. because it was so very…very funny.

Yeah good stuff. That’s not all though; sometimes they like to take it a step further. Like when facebook recommended some chap to be my friend, he looked so familiar but I couldn’t quite put my finger on where I knew him from?

Who is this guy? A long forgotten school chum maybe? A boyhood pal? Maybe we met long ago at a poetry reading, or perhaps a basket weaving class?

Yes I’m thinking now, thinking away, who is he? OH…I know. It’s some rat faced chav I had a drunken brawl with years ago. Well thanks for that facebook, I didn’t realise this was the ‘people you may know and have punched in the face tool’ but I am truly grateful that you brought us back together? Maybe we can celebrate the three year anniversary of having a pissed up fist fight outside JJB sports…memoriesssssss.

Sadly this is all we have time for tonight, I’ve briefly ran out of blind hatred so need to take a break. I'm sure I’ll be back for more, who cares if anyone’s reading? I’ll just talk to myself HAHA…HAHA…LOL…LOL…LOL…yeah see you in hell.

Lukat.

Showbiz.

Alright you peckers, you puffs, you smug mouth breathing freaks? I haven’t written a blog in a while, since I have fuck all to talk about anymore. I could offer excuses that I’ve been busy but we all know that’s not true so instead I’ll just say it’s because I couldn’t be arsed. Got a problem with that bud? We can throw down right now if there’s a problem here? We can go outside and have a quiet word, so quiet that you have to ask me to repeat what I said, further angering me. This situation is progressing isn’t it? Then maybe I’ll make nonsensical statements that have no logic and when you question them I’ll say ‘CALLIN ME A LIAR PAL…CALLING ME A LIARRRR???? CUMMON EN’. As is the usual procedure for any conversation undertaken in the streets of Burnley. So yeah...no blog…mate.

Luckily I noticed that a new series of celebrity big brother has started on channel 5, a channel exclusively for intellectuals. So this got me thinking about celebrities, a great bunch of lads aren’t they? I mean they’re like us but better? Better because they’re on the telly, doing various things like eating monkey testicles and having enemas live on air just to get noticed. It’s brilliant really if you think about it, I mean you don’t even have to be any good at anything to be a celebrity now. It’s not like you need any actual skills or talent, you can just be a famous personality, like that little arsewhipe Jeff Brazier, who is pretty much famous because he shagged Jade Goody (God bless her soul). Which to be fair was a brave and courageous act, he’s a bigger man than me (not literally, the cheeky wee bastard) for doing that but still, should someone make a lot of money and be forced in to our homes on a daily basis, simply because one time they shagged Jade Goody? I’m not so sure but if this is the way to become successful then I think Fizz off Coronation Street better lock her door tonight because Lukat's a comin’ and he’s going to huff and puff and blow your fucking house down then make dirty love to you in the rubble, grasping your curly ginger locks like the reigns of a mighty steed YEEHAWWWW.

So anyways, Celebrity Big Brother? Seems like an interesting premise, a bunch of high profile superstars locked in a house together for a few weeks. I wonder what kind of antics they’ll get up to? No doubt having many profound conversations and creating moments of surreal entertainment? Who’s in it? Bono? Mick Jagger? Al Pacino?

Nah mate…nah…Jedward's in it though.

Oh…oh ok…well erm…Jedward…that’s pretty cool. Who else? Is Mike Tyson in there? Is David Beckham in there? What about Nelson Mandela?

Nah mate …Kerry Katona is though.

Who?

You know Kerry Katona, she did the Iceland adverts.

Oh right what did she do before that?

Erm, I think she did coke for a bit.

Oh

Well the charming and gorgeous, Kerry Katona is well worth the price of admission; She is all that is beautiful about woman. I assume she’s doing this to get her life back on track…good thinking, ‘People have an unflattering view of me so I’ll sort that out by sprawling my grotesque frame out on national television, then people can see me as the hideous, stupid trollop I really am…seeking some hollow adoration from the general public… LOOK AT ME…PLEASE…LOOK AT ME…I’M A CELEBRITY…LOVE ME…LOVE MEEEEE.’

Well that all sounds bloody fantastic…what do you expect though, the last time I actually watched the thing, Michael Barrymore was accepted back on national television as some kind of funny man…THIS Michael Barrymore that fisted a man to death and hurled his corpse in the swimming pool after a night of heavy partying (all speculation)…but hey no worries…that’s cool…he’s back now and he’s sorted his life out, it’s all fine now…fisted a man to death (all speculation)…well these things happen…I mean someone has to get fisted to death every so often, he wasn’t a celeb so who gives a shit.

So once you put a gentleman who in the past has FISTED A MAN TO DEATH (all speculation)…yes I’m going to keep repeating that phrase FISTED A MAN TO DEATH because I enjoy it, whether the evidence is damning or not, I guess anything goes. This time on celebrity big brother…

We are waiting the next contestant in the big brother house; I mean can it get any bigger than Jedward? Here comes the limo now, it’s…it’s…it’s HITLER’S SKELETON…YES HITLER’S SKELETON IS IN THE BIG BROTHER HOUSE. This is amazing, the Fuhrer himself is here, in decayed form, I imagine he wants to put aside the whole holocaust business and showcase his more laid back skeletal side. Hitler’s Skeleton is actually here, being wheeled out by the cheeky girls in full Nazi dress…and aren’t they looking lovely, this is what showbiz is all about. Hitler was last seen ordering the organized slaughter of thousands of people to create his Arian super race but we haven’t seen much of him since, being dead and all, he’s just a bag of bones. Expect sparks to fly, probably the biggest celeb we’ve had in the big brother house since Vanessa Feltz, the skeleton of the most evil man in the history of the universe is here, will there be romance with Kerry Katona? I can not wait.

While Hitler’s bones are being hoisted up the stairs to chat with Brian Dowling we await the next contestant.

Who’s next I am literally shaking with excitement, can this outdo Jedward, Kerry Katona and the Fuhrer's bones?

Who is it…OH MY GOD…IT’S GARRY GLITTER? Listen to the boo’s from this crowd. The world’s most famous paedophile is here and he is back, this is Glitter the comeback, the comeback tour...the king of rock and roll. Look at him working the crowd, stroking his satanic beard; literally thrusting his way past this baying crowd in his platform shoes and metallic jumpsuit, the glam rock prince is back. This crowd is going wild, total frenzy, we haven’t seen Garry in some time, having shipped him to Cambodia to save the future generations of our species from his psycho sexual, glam rock sex offences but he is back and better than ever. Look Glitter just stole a child’s lolly pop and is sucking it seductively, this is MUST SEE TV. Will the public warm to glitters charm? We all love a comeback story, can Glitter redeem himself for past crimes and molest the hearts of the general public. Can you hear that tribal drumbeat, what a performer dum da dum dum da dum NAHHH NAHH NAHH NAHH...HEYYYYYY. Look at him go GARRY GARRY CAN WE HAVE A WORD WITH YOU GARRY? WILL YOU BE RELEASING A BEST OF ALBUM?

“HEHEHERGHHH why hellooo, anything for you treacle HAHAHAHHHARGHHHH”

Garry you are looking fabulous it’s so good to see you here, the last time we saw you in the newspapers you had much less hair, can you tell us is this a toupee or transplant?

“HEHEHEHRGHHH well Treacle Channel 5 are paying me a substantial amount of money to be here so I thought why not invest in a luxurious piece of head fabric, a man must look his best, when in Rome HEHEHEHEHRHGHH.”

Great stuff Garry, can you tell us why you agreed to be here, obviously there is some controversy with you being a sinister paedophile? Also Jedward are in the house, will there be any interest there?

“HEHEHEHEHRGH well treacle, Jedward are a lovely bunch of boys, lovely, lovely pure virgin flowers, with their soft blonde hairs dancing upon their delicate flesh, like sweet, sweet honey candy… but who knows. I want to put all that behind me, we all make mistakes do we not? Sure in the past I may have had an acquired taste for young boys but I want to put that right HAHAHRHGHGHGHGH I want to be remembered as the true performer I am, I’M THE KING OF ROCK N ROWLLLLLLLL…HEY HEY HEY.”

That’s great to hear Garry, so glad you’re back, we wish you all the best.

As Garry levitates up the stairs, his pot belly bursting out from his shiny one piece, we wait in awe for the next celebrity.

WE HAVE THE YORKSHIRE RIPPER…PETER SUTCLIFFE…one of the most famous serial killers in recent memory is here…the bearded murderer himself, we got him out of prison just for the show…sure he brutally killed a load of innocent women but this is the entertainment business and he’s here. THIS IS SHOWBIZZZZZZZ. Who knows what will happen? Kerry Katona better watch her back, will drama unfold as Peter tries to stab her to death in the diary room? Are the public ready to forgive him? Who is more evil, Glitter, the Yorkshire ripper, Hitler’s bones…or Kerry Katona? Only you the public can decide. MUST SEE …MUST SEE. This is amazing, look at his wild eyes scanning over the women of the crowd, saliva dripping from his animal lips in to his filthy beard. Oh dear Peter is having to be restrained by the Big Brother security…GET HIS HANDS OFF HER NECK…COME ON…WE’RE LIVE ON AIR…oh it’s ok Peter has calmed down now, PETER, PETER CAN WE GET A FEW WORDS..

“WARHGHGH WHAT YA FOOKIN WANT YA CUNT ...CUNT CUNT...I’LL FOOKIN KILL YER…ARGHHRARGHHHHH.”

What a character hahahaarrrr, great to hear from you Peter

Here comes the final celebrity, this is shaping up to be the most explosive Celebrity Big Brother yet.

Ok he’s getting out of the limo…who is it…who is that seriously? OH IT’S JORDIE CHANDLER. Some of you may remember Jordie from the early 90’s where he claimed he was molested by the legendary Michael Jackson. Of course Jordie is a grown man now, we will get word from him in a moment as he slumps past the baying crowd…listen to those boo’s, there are a lot of diehard Jacko fans here tonight, Jordie is receiving a hostile welcome, even more hostile than the breath taking Glitter entrance. JORDIE…JORDIE

Can we get a few words, where have you been Jordie? We haven’t heard from you in a long time? Tell us everything Jordie?

“Well you know I just wanted to show people there’s more to me than being allegedly molested by the prince of pop. Sure there was the Jesus juice and the high profile law suit but there’s so much more to Jordie Chandler…I mean there’s Jordie Chandler the poet…the musician…Jordie chandler the artist…Jordie chandler the …”

OK great to hear from you Jordie; glad to see you’ve recovered from the alleged molestation, I’m sure you have many Jacko based stories to entertain the house with?

“Oh well I’m not really allowed to talk about him, we reached an out of court settlement…”

Oh…right…well err…CAN WE REPLACE THIS GUY? NAH NAH HE CAN’T TALK ABOUT IT? NAH WHO HAVE WE GOT AS A REPLACEMENT…WHAT…OH GARETH GATES IS HERE?…OK SEND HIM IN...nice one…

Day 5 in the Big Brother house:

Romance is blossoming between the Yorkshire ripper and Kerry Katona, will this cause fireworks in the house after her initial fling with Hitler’s bones? Glitter is still trying to coerce Jedward in to sitting on his lap…this is brilliant stuff

Day 12 in the Big Brother house:

Peter has flown in to a psychotic rage after discovering Kerry has rekindled her romance with Hitler, fingering herself with Hitler’s shin bone, shinning herself silly. Security is currently trying to calm him down...PUT DOWN THE BOTTLE PETER…SHE’S NOT WORTH IT ...CALM DOWNNN.

Day 14; Peter has slaughtered Kerry Katona live on air…can we send in a replacement? Is Jodie Marsh still free? O.k. send her in again.

This is SHOWBIZZZZZZZZ.

But not all celebrities are attention grabbing whores, desperately trying to cling on to the last scraps of fame by literally doing anything to remain slightly relevant, no matter how pathetic or degrading it is.

There are good celebrities, celebrities who are here to help, like Peter Andre? Of such great programmes as ‘Peter Andre- the next chapter’. I myself didn’t get chance to read the first chapter but I’m sure the next chapter is even better. Well Peter has a new show on ITV2 (great channel), ‘Peter Andre-Here to help’.

An exciting premise where Peter gives back to ‘the great British public’, who have supported him for so long. I’m not sure I’m familiar with this public; I’m more familiar with the slow witted, fickle, sheep like public, slowly dithering towards their dull demise…but anyway.

Yes each week Peter lends out his Jesus like hand to someone who is in need; of course he’s not allowed to use any of his own money for this. Oh I see, but why is that Peter? Oh it’s the rules you say, the rules of the television programme that someone made up, to make it more entertaining. So you’re actually here to help, as long as it’s entertaining, as long as it fits in with the time limit and as long as it showcases you as the modern day Jesus you really are? Well that all sounds above board to me, Peter Andre is here to help…his faltering career...by helping you...the working class scum…as long as it doesn’t cost him anything…and as long as it gets him on ITV2? I mean some cynics might say that if you really wanted to help people you wouldn’t feel the need to draw attention to it by making it in to some kind of cheap, tacky exploitation of vulnerable people’s problems, so we can see Peter Andre showing what a great guy he is? Cynics might say that…they might, not me though, I love all of ITV2’s programming.

This week Peter helps a young parent with a terminally ill child.

Oh Peter I’m so glad you’re here, little Bobby can’t wait to meet you, he’s not been well at all, it will be a real lift for him.

“Ah gudday mayt thads awl well and gud but bedda wait til tha cameras awrr rowllinnn' Sheila…can we gedda ta say thada again?”

Oh peter I know the rules of the show say you can’t use any of your own money but please, just while it’s me and you, Bobby needs an operation and we’re a thousand pounds short. I would never usually ask this but since you’re here to help, it could save his life.

“Well thads awl well and gud Sheila bud oiy downt make tha rules luv. Ya know how id is, itv2 say I carnt use any of mi munney, maybe liddle Bobby wud loik ta meet Donny Osmond instead, thatd cheer the liddle fella roight up ey Sheila? Donny Bluddy Osmond?”

B-b-b-but peter…he’s dying Peter; he doesn’t know who Donny Osmond is? Please Peter we know the show has rules and we respect that but if you could just do this off camera, out of the kindness of your own heart…HE’S DYING PETER...MY BABY BOY IS DYING?

“Look eyr Sheila I hear ya pain but I’m a celebridy, if the cameras aint rowlin then how are people ta know whada bluddy good guy oy am ey? Now save yer tears luv, this is showbiz, CAN WE GET THOSE CAMERAS ROWLIN, GEDDER TEARS ON CAMERA WILL YA? HAVE ME COMFORTIN HER A LIDDLE; MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BLUDDY GREAT GOIYYYYY.”

SHOWBIZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Well that’s just wonderful, of course peter Andre isn’t a heartless, murderer, he’s a bloody great guy. Maybe one day I can be half the man that Peter Andre is, one fine day. You don’t get that for free though, nothing comes for free in this world, so I’m just off to expose myself in a shopping centre, you know, to get some attention. Please like me? Come on mate please like me? I’ll do anything if you like me? Look I don’t need any beliefs or dignity or my own thoughts I’ll just dance for you…look I’m doing a funny jig, look I’m snorting coke off a toilet seat…look please…give me some attention, recognise me…come on it’s me mate…don’t you recognise me? It’s me off the telly?...LOVE ME…PLEASE...LOVE ME….LOVE MEEEEEEEEEE.

Anyway that’s all for this week, I’m glad we could share this time together.

Lukat.