This is what happens when you have to watch daytime TV

BLAH BLAH BLAH OH LOOKS IT’S THAT STUPID BELL END MOANING ABOUT BEING ON THE DOLE AND NO ONE TOUCHING HIS TODGER AGAIN. BOOOO BOOOOOO…WHY DON’T YOU JUST BLOODY FUCK OFF LUKA…WITH YOUR STRONG POWERFUL CHIN AND LOVELY LOVELY SOFT HAIR…YOU DICK…YOU STUPID DICK…BOOOOOO….GET A BLOOOODYYY JOBBBBB….GET A BLOOOODY GIRLFRIENDDDDDDD BOOOOOOOO NO ONE GIVES A SHIT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAYYYY WHY DON’T YOU JUST DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE..

Alright mate, cool your jets it’s not like I drone on and on and on and on about the same shit all the time is it? By the way this blog is about being unemployed and not getting laid.

Day 459 of my unemployment odyssey. Is it? No probably not but I can’t be arsed working out the dates just to satisfy a bunch of blog reading chumps. No offence like? Notice when someone says no offence they often use it just before saying something quite offensive. Like saying sorry before you set a bird sanctuary on fire, not that I’ve ever done such a thing. I have no problem with winged creatures unless they decide to defecate on me, which just shows the arrogance of the animal community thinking they can take a shit on people without any consequences. Anyway no offence but I believe we should gas anyone who isn’t white to create an Aryan super race. No offence but I just had sex with your deceased grandmother. No offence but I’m Olly Murrs. See my point? I’d like to think so.

Anyway I paid a trip down to the old dole house just this past week only to discover that my new ‘advisor’ had once spent a heroic EIGHTEEN MONTHS on the dole. Now maybe I’m wrong here but when I’m putting my employment chances in the hands of this stud who has single handedly devalued my epic dole record by trouncing me by a whole year then maybe It’s time to look elsewhere for help?

…and who better to help me…than myself. Or I as I sometimes like to be called.

Since my last business ventures never really took off due to the general public being a bunch of buffoons and cowards then I have decided to come up with a few more consumer friendly opportunities for you to wrap your disgusting, sausage like fingers around. That’s just me though, I love to help. Some of you might be saying ‘...b-b-b-but Lukat…sir…no OFFENCE but you’re a jobless loser sponging off the government, how the hell can you help?’ Well that may very well be true but for what I don’t have in ‘money’ and ‘skills’ I more than make up for in bitterness and a love of ruining other peoples fun.

So that got me thinking, what do people like? I wouldn’t know as I’m not considered to be an actual ‘person’ but if I was I’d assume it would be things like…quality of life…health…entertainment…education. All kinds of wonderful stuff that doesn’t involve watching repeats of Judge Judy in a pair of shorts I’ve had since I was 14. (Due to the wearing away of the material in the crotch area these shorts are no longer suitable for public use.) So how can I provide this kind of ‘useful’ service that people may even enjoy? Because really, learning can be fun. Especially when starting fires during class time, I didn’t both make and burn an effigy of Richard Gere just to be heckled on youtube. I did it for the benefit of humanity.

Behold my concepts. Cherish me. Tickle the Lukat's whiskers and stroke his luxurious fur. Purrrr purrrr…REEEERRRR.

Lukat’s 100% British Zoo

As an animal lover and long time fan of containing things that are weaker and less intelligent than I am in confined spaces then it would make sense that a zoo would be an exciting business venture. Now if you’re like me and sick of all these pompous foreign animals coming over in their banana boats and stealing the work and accommodation of good British animals then fear no more. I, 'The Lukat' am going to put an end to this and open a zoo of fabulous creatures which would usually not get the recognition they deserve. Behold the wonder of Lukat’s Zoo. ROLL UP ROLL UP people of all ages, come see Lukat’s zoo located in the car park of a condemned pub in the beautiful rural area of Burnley.

Come see the world famous Spider shed. We have collected a range of beautiful house spiders from various asbestos soaked abandoned council houses and have brought them to you in one magical place. Does your child have a birthday party coming up? Maybe you want to do something truly special for little Billy and his schoolyard chums. Well I offer you an exclusive package which allows your kids a whole 4 HOURS in the spider shed. We lock up to ten kids in a dark, spider infested second hand shed so they can interact with the friendly creatures, letting them crawl on your Childs face, underneath their clothes and lay eggs in their hair.

‘MR LUKAT PLEASE…I’M SCARED...PLEASE…I WANT MY MUMMY…PLEASE MR LUKAT THE SPIDERS ARE BITING MY LEGS’

‘Oh little Billy the spiders aren’t biting you, they’re giving you kisses. Now stop your sobbing.’

It will be a birthday your child will never forget. But the fun doesn’t stop there, oh no. We have a range of other attractions as well which are simply unmissable and are all included in the original £20 fee on entry.

There’s the wasp tent. We have filled a rather small Argos tent with about 50 wasps, all of which were raised with British passports. Not only do you get up close and personal with the furry little critters but you also get an exclusive gift bag including damaged sachets of brown sauce, a 2 litre bottle of Netto orangeade to share between you and a blob of antiseptic creams for any ‘bites’ or other small injuries which may arise. (Disclaimer-Lukat is not responsible for any incidents which may arise in the wasp tent) The wasp tent is not just for kids either, maybe grandpa wants a day out to experience the unique interaction as the angry wasps sting his frail body.

‘MR LUKAT...MR LUKATTT…IS GRANDPA OK...HE’S SHAKING...MR LUKAT PLEASEEE THE WASPS ARE HURTING HIM’.

Oh little Billy don’t worry about grandpa, the wasps are just tickling him, he’s having the time of his life.

You want more? Well we got more. Come climb under the covers of the woodlouse bed. Come on kids get all nice and cosy and come play with your new creepy crawly friends. We have picked up a knackered old mattress from the tip and then covered it in a community of household woodlice all with unique and endearing personalities that your children will simply fall in love with. There’s Uncle Duke Louse with his zany ideas and crunchy outer shell. There’s Pappa Louse and Mumma Louse creeping around with their lovable kids, covered in filth and disease. Not to mention big buster Louse who is twice the size of a normal louse and known to nest in the hair of little girls. Come see the whole family in Lukat’s Woodlouse bed, you’ll never want to leave.

That’s not enough? What about the bluebottle bins? We lock you in a wheelie bin filled with giant flies. The fun never ends.

Or the slug lift? We pack you all barefoot in to a lift and let you ride to the very top floor of a block of council flats, all the while enjoy the company of the charming and gooey animals.

VISIT NOW. LUKAT’S ZOO. TICKETS ARE AVAILABLE NOW. JUST SIMPLY SEND ME YOUR BANK DETAILS AND LET THE FUN COMMENCE.

Lukat’s dole enhancement course

Have you recently signed on the dole? Maybe you got a degree in fine art or forensic science and realised no one will employ you? Well help is at hand with The Lukat’s dole enhancement course. I will not help you find a job, far from it, I will simply advise you on all aspects of the dole lifestyle. Including how to correctly fill out your little dole booklet with lies and tall tales to get you out of the job centre quicker. I will show you how to stretch your money by purchasing subhuman foods from home bargains and Iceland. I will provide you with a list of alcohol prices to determine what brand of supermarket bitter would work out the cheapest. (Currently Asda which offers the fantastic opportunity of 8p a can). Do you have too much pride or self esteem that is getting in the way of you effectively completing your time on the dole? Maybe you find it degrading to be advised by people who are much less intelligent and less useful than yourself. Well never fear, we will completely strip you of any pride you have by getting you wasted off white ace and making you sleep with hideous, orange women. GO ON LAD.

Our team of experts will beat you with a sack full of spare change and urinate on you to prepare you for all the upcoming humiliation you will receive at the hands of the job centre. We have mock interviews set up where we hurl abuse at you and make you eat dog food off the floor in hope that it might get you a job. COME ON…YOU USELESS BASTARD…YOU WANT A JOB DON’T YOU…EAT THE DOG FOOD.

DOG FOOD…DOG FOOOD...DOG FOOOOD.

It’s not all hard work and elbow grease though. To make learning more fun we have designed a whole new version of dole monopoly. Pass go and receive your £52 a week benefits. You can play as a variety of characters including…the stinking le coq sportif cap…the knackered old fiesta…the can of special brew…or the used condom. Go to jail for not paying your TV license. Chance card…pay £80 fine for urinating in public. Buy a cheap council house in Nelson and charge your tenant extortionate rates to get rid of the musty, damp smell and yellow stains on the wall. THIS IS DOLE MONOPOLY.

Sign up now for your dole enhancement course available at all credible places of learning.

Lukat’s street workout

Are you sick of going to the nice, clean gym and having to share the equipment with a bunch of ponces wearing their boat shoes and cheeky novelty t shirts? Do you crave a more manly, rugged workout which will actually cause more harm to your body than it will good? Well come take part in Lukat’s prison workout. I have set up a series of objects in my back yard which need smashing up and taking to the tip. Work all day with no food or water breaking up old washing machines and feel the benefits of a real mans workout while I play you rap music and beat you with a large stick every now and then.

Cardio? I got your cardio…we go for a run in the roughest areas of Burnley wearing skinny jeans, cardigans and carrying expensive laptops…run for your lives as unwashed youths chase after you on bikes to steal your possessions and kick your head in.

Engage each other in daily knife fights. Build your own shiv from rusty nails, old toothbrushes and razors and battle it out to improve your conditioning. Please avoid any actual stabbing/sticking with the blade though due to recent fatalities during the workout. Just cut each other a little, we need to think about the health and safety after all. It’s political correctness gone mad I say.

Work on your speed by playing games of chicken on the motorway. Who will show their fitness superiority by not getting crushed by a Farmfoods lorry? Who will have the mental resolve to live when others die in the name of a good workout? The guys down at the gym are too busy flexing on the rowing machine and staring at attractive girls to know what it takes to be a real man. There are no attractive girls here. Just a whole bunch of pain and insurance forms. Enter Lukat’s street workout. Enter the 4^th dimension of health and fitness.

Yours for £10 an hour and a few tinnies.

Well there you have it. I’m not sure exactly what IT is but I assume it is something that was evident in the blog otherwise there’d be no point writing it. NO BLOODY POINT WRITING IT HAHAHAHAHA…THERE HAS TO BE A POINT...DOESN’T THERE? WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN...JUST WORDS…JUST TINY STUPID WORDS…OH MY LIFE HAS NO MEANING…COME ON MATE GIS’ A JOB…GIS’ A JOB…I’LL SUCK NUTELLA OFF YOUR FINGERS…COME ON BABE…COME ON MY MUMS NOT IN AND I’VE GOT SOME OLD CONDOMS…SOME OF EM’ MIGHT STILL BE IN DATE…PLEASE..OH GOD PLEASE…KILL ME…KILL ME...KILL MEEEEEEEEEEEEE I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

I mean…cool…thanks for reading.

Lukat.