Big business and more urine based fun.

I just woke up with no pants on and the hairstyle of a man who is desperately trying to hide his baldness. I’m not going bald by the way, that’s the one positive that still makes me slightly attractive to women. Once my hair is gone I imagine my body will disintegrate and gently float away in to the atmosphere. So anyway looking like a sex offender/web pervert reminded me that I should probably write another blog, since I presume that’s what those kind of guys do.

I think I graduated about a year ago so it looks like we’re coming up to the one year anniversary of my unemployment. I tell you it’s been a hell of a year; I’ve met some great people down at the dole office, some real characters. It’s been an experience. The good times don’t look like ending soon either, I just picked up an application form to be a biscuit packer in Nelson but sadly there is not enough room to write down all my art based qualifications which I think would have landed me the job. My search goes on.

Anyway to commemorate this landmark achievement I have decided to arrange an official competition giveaway to all Lukat fans out there. This is your once in a lifetime chance to win various prizes such as signed pages from my job seekers booklet, a binded collection of my rejection letters and emails and last but certainly not least, the opportunity to have a morning pint with me in Whetherspoons after collecting my dole money. You’re paying obviously. All you have to do to have a chance to win any of these great prizes is answer the following questions.

1. What are your bank details?
2. What is your national insurance number?
3. What is your mother’s maiden name?

Send all those answers off with a copy of your signature and you will be entered in to the official Lukat prize draw. Good luck you little bastards.

Now back to business, literally. Since I’m not having much luck in convincing people to employ me as some kind of ‘work based dude’ who could perform menial tasks in exchange for pay, I thought hey L-Kat baby you’re a resourceful man. Why not make your own luck and get started on some new and exciting business ventures. I am a man of the world after all, I’ve been on nights out in Burnley, Blackburn, Colne and Padiham after all, and my travels have brought me much knowledge, insight and also hangovers. Lots of hangovers. In fact just this last week I woke up with a tingling sensation in my legs after ten hours of drinking which I’m sure is a sign of good health in some cultures. If things go well you could well be seeing me in the dragons den, the Chinese takeaway not the TV programme, I always go there when celebrating a small victory (e.g. pulling ugly chicks or pounding on cocky youths).

Anyway here is a series of projects I’m working on and looking for potential investors, so prepare to be blown away by my entrepreneurial skills. I give you the official Lukat 2011 business plan. Now let’s break bread.

Who's your fucking daddy pal?

Well if you want, it could be me? Are you lacking a strong father figure in your life? Maybe your dad is a let down like mine and only turns up to throw guilt money at you about twice a year before vanishing off in to the horizon in his jeans and sport jacket combination. Maybe you find your dad embarrassing or he left town after your mum shacked up with a large Turkish gentleman. Who knows? These things happen. But you need not suffer for it, as I, the mighty Lukat am willing to be your father. That’s right, I have a whole host of fathering skills having passed on my seed at an early age. I can fulfil all of your fathering needs; we can play catch in the yard, share a joke about ‘the footy’ and go on weekend fishing trips. I’ll let you sit on my lap while I tell you anecdotes about when I was younger and read you bedtime stories. I’ll even let you call me ‘poppa’. The current packages I have available will cater to all kinds of fathering needs.

Do you need a drunken angry father? Maybe you invite some of your friends round the house or a new boyfriend? Drunk dad is having none of it, sipping on his can of lager and accusing everyone of being a bloody puffter. The fun doesn’t end there, he’s a super racist too, and maybe one of your pals has foreign blood or even a very nice tan? Drunk dad won’t like that one bit when he gets all hot and bothered about this country going down the shitter. Bloody darkies coming over here on their banana boats eating curry and stealing our jobs. Send them back he says. Send them all back. This is white man’s land. Drunk dad will ruin all your birthdays and moments of achievement. Drunk dad will even slap your mother around for no additional cost. The drunk dad package can be yours for a bargain of £5 an hour. (Alcohol must be supplied separately). BOOK NOW.

Maybe you need someone more stern and judgemental. A man of great morals and strong holy beliefs. Good Christian dad could well be what you’re looking for. His book collection includes two copies of the Bible and three separate editions of Jeremy Clarkson based literature. Church is on Sunday where he plays rhythm guitar in the lord’s band and blasts out numerous hymn classics like he was taking care of business at a status quo gig. He wears stonewash jeans and crocs, he’s the casual man about town and he will frown upon you socialising with friends in a non Jesus based manner. Don’t push him too far though or he shall bend you over his lap and slap thy anus in front of stern onlookers and relatives. Christian dad will send you to your room and prohibit you from having any form of sexual relations until you are 30 years olds. For no additional charge he will turn up at a college house party in his dressing gown and furiously drag you out by your ear telling you how very ashamed he is. Jesus wept.

Christian dad is yours for £6 an hour. TAKE IT. TAKE IT.

Maybe you’re looking for a much more casual father. Someone who barely notices you exist and makes you spend all your time craving his acceptance. He will sit around reading newspapers and watching TV mumbling at you whenever you come home with a big grin telling him all about your day. He’s deadbeat dad…and he don’t give a shit. Your momma wants child support...fuck her...AND FUCK...YOUUU. Deadbeat dad don’t care none, he’s too busy watching planet of the apes on TV. Ask him to come to your school play or watch you take part in sports, FUCK YOU. Deadbeat dad thinks you’re a nobody. For an additional booking fee of £10 deadbeat dad will appear on Jeremy Kyle with you to take a DNA test, refusing that you’re even his child as you sob away in your chair…sat there in his stinking suede jacket with yellow teeth. ‘ERRRR ERRR WHAT IT IS JEREMY…ERRR...WHAT IT IS JEREMY...I JUST DON’T KNOWWW JEREMY…HIS MUMS SLEPT ABOUT WITH ABOUT 50 OTHER BLOKES ERRR SO I’M ABOUT 240% SURE HE INT MINE LIKE BUTTT ERRR ABOUT 156% SURE HE IS JEREMY.’ Deadbeat dad just don’t give a SHIIIIIT.

He is yours for only £7 an hour.

Who’s your daddy? Lukat’s your fucking daddy…for the right price.

Want to kick my head in?

Well now is your chance pal because the good lord knows unless you’re paying to do it there is no freakin’ way you’re giving a man like the Lukat trouble. I’d stomp your feeble ass.

Do you hate me? Or know someone who hates me? Chances are that you do, due to my personality/looks/things I say or do. Maybe you’ve fantasized about punching me in my cocky big nose or pulling my luxurious hair. Well if that’s the case I am offering you this unique opportunity to beat the shit out of me for a small cash fee. That’s right. You can do it in a variety of ways depending on your financial income.

The bronze package.

Here you get to knock me around for a bit in private. It’s a one on one encounter, I will come round to your house and you can kick me in the balls for a while and get rid of all your Lukat based frustrations. To celebrate the event I will supply you with a signed certificate which commemorates the beating you just gave me. You can cherish it forever. Yours for a £2 coin.

The silver package.

For this deal you get to attack me in public, however I must be very drunk. I will take your abuse but at a later date I will deny everything by claiming that I was ‘wankered’ and have no recollections of the event hence belittling the achievement slightly. You still have the advantage of a small audience seeing you pound on me but it will be tarnished by the fact that I am too wasted to defend myself. There must be no attractive women present either or the deal is null and void and I shall have to boot your ears in as compensation. Yours for an astonishing five English pounds.

The gold package.

This is really a top notch deal you get here. Not only do you get to kick my ass in public, but it is during daylight hours and I am totally sober. You get to beat the shit out of me in front of pretty girls who will be laughing at my expense as you shout abuse at me and I cower on the floor pleading for mercy. You get an official Lukat photo shoot to commemorate the event including keychain and postcard. Yours for £10.

The platinum package.

You twat me in front of a large group of people…and I piss myself…literally. It’s that simple. I will urinate myself as you beat me…in front of the general public. You also get a full video clip of the event filmed by one of my associates which I will allow you to tag me in on facebook. Your charge. A straight up £20 and a clean pair of pants waiting for me at the bus station.

Event destruction

Are you attending or hosting a high brow social event and living in fear that you may perchance embarrass yourself or let others down? Do you want someone to relieve that pressure by giving you a guarantee that at any hint that you are experiencing discomfort, they will throw themselves in front of the proverbial train and sacrifice their dignity for your own? Well that person is me. Be it wedding, birthday party of funeral I am your man. I will get wasted and pick fights with your elderly relatives. I will strip naked and try to have sex with any female in grabbing distance. I’ll call your grandmother a bastard then throw a child through the wedding cake. I will interrupt speeches and make racist/sexist comments in front of a large audience before vomiting all over myself and being dragged out by furious family members. I will be your shame, for a price. That price is £5 an hour and as much alcohol as it takes to get the job done. Book now.

(P.S my elite funeral service is now available where I will physically drag the corpse out of the coffin and start an argument with it. This is for a limited time only, due to legal issues I am restricted to the amount of times I can fight the dead. Available for a flat rate of £50.)

The Lukat Love Experience

Do you hate your parents? Do you need the kind of boyfriend that would horrify and repulse said parents? Well Lukat is your man. Any conflict you have with your mother or father will quickly be swung in your favour when you introduce them to your new lover…me…L-kat. I’ll turn up at your house stinking of booze wearing a wife beater vest to give full coverage of my bizarre tattoos. I will mention in the first 5 minutes that I have a three year old kid whom I spawned as a teenager. I will tell them stories of my sketchy criminal past and then get off with you in front of them. I will be present as you tell you parents that you are pregnant after 2 hours of meeting me and you are now dropping out of college to mother my children and move in to a council flat with several Rottweilers.

Or are you an ugly bird desperate to prove to others that you can get a man? Well I could be that man. I give you the official Lukat Facebook package. I will pose as your boyfriend for a period of time including full agreement of the relationship status. I will poke you and leave sickening messages on your profile such as ‘LUFF U BBZ, OMG I MISS YOU, CNT WAIT 2 C MA SEXY BAYBEHH TEE HEE HEE’ and ‘SHAGGIN U LAST NYT WER PROPA GUD HUN I LUV UR FANNY’. I will even use my infamous photography degree to Photoshop intimate pictures of us together which you can then set as your profile picture. You will be respected by your peers and enemies alike, most of whom will commit suicide due to the debilitating jealousy they feel that you are having relations with the sensual Lukat.

Here are the rates.

Stunners- will do free of charge in exchange for a breast grab

Moderate/plain birds- £5 an hour and a drunken fumble

Ugly birds/fat birds- £10 an hour, no touching. I don’t do that anymore.

Oh Lukat you terrible sexist…shame on you…shame on you indeed.

Ladies and chumps if you want to take advantage of any of these stunning offers then apply now. If I get a job in the next week there will be limited sessions (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH). No really on a serious note now send me your fucking money; I’m getting poorer by the second.

Yours passionately.

Lukat.