‘Hello my name is Joe. I am unemployed, single and live with my mother. It’s nice to meet you.’
Yes this is how I shall be greeting ladies from now on. Instead of my usual advance of spilling cider on them and trying to look sexy at the same time. You know you love it girls, do you like it when I do THIS…or THIS. The answer is always no. I’ll just go and get a takeaway then and masturbate on someone’s car, no problem.
So I’ve graduated uni now. That was a worthwhile experience. 3 years and around ten grand later and I’m still jobless with no prospects. Now all the fucking idiots I went to school with who used to stab me up the arse with compasses and call me a geek are probably going to be my future bosses when I go into Iceland BEGGING..PLEADING .for a job on the trolleys. PLEASE GIVE ME A JOB MATE..I’LL DO ANYTHING…I’LL SUCK YOUR COCK. Ok maybe a bit too far but the desperation is definitely here. Just to clarify I won’t be committing acts of same sex felatio unless in a prison situation, we all know how those fella’s like to play it.
I searched the job columns. Mainly asbestos based work. Not sure how the interview for that one goes really, should I turn up in a suit and my Cuban heels sporting a shit eatin' grin on my face ‘Hello Mr Luka why do you think you’re right for this job.’ …’Well mate the thing is I fucking love asbestos, its fuckin brilliant int it pal? EHH EHHH? High five’ Well you are most certainly hired. I think the jobs are only part time though, you know since the whole fatality thing. I’ve had a good run though, it’s about time I settled down and got my job and then died coughing my spleen out. It sounds like a real good time to me.
What happened to the art some might say? Joey where is the art? ART IS FUCKING DEAD YOU SMART ARSE CUNT. I went and did my exhibition in front of all the London crowd and it turns out none of them southern dandies wanna buy some very expensive pictures of me shirtless contorted in the agony of self hatred. Fair enough pal, I wouldn’t either. Especially when you ask who the artist who did this piece of melancholic genius is and he’s pissed out of his mind rolling around on the floor in a cheap suit and giggling to himself like a schoolgirl.
So what now eh? Why I didn’t I do a course in brick laying. There’s a real trade for you right there. Lay some fucking bricks down. No poncing about. Now all us uni graduates are left to rot in the gutter with our useless degrees trying to sign on the dole. Brilliant. A whole army of useless slackers if only I could round everyone up and commit acts of terrorism I might get somewhere but since the height of our talents are getting wasted off cheap cider and eating disgusting ready meals then I don’t reckon it’s going to do much good.
Now I just lie in bed till about 1pm. Watch some urban crime dramas, lift weights in front of a full length mirror and then write some more of my erotic novel. There is no end to my talents. Get a job as a photographer you say. Sure I’ll turn up at a wedding with my unique brand of photography, make all the bridesmaids look like they’ve been shoved in a crack den and subjected to high levels of radiation poisoning. That’s what the people want. Why don’t I get married eh? Who wants to fuckin marry me? Preferably someone with lots of money and no self esteem so I can take over your life and sponge off you like the disgusting parasite I am. Here’s Luka. Resist my charms I think not. What’s that you hear? LUKAAA…LUKKAAAAAAAA…LUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. All you hear darlin’. My big face spinning round and round in your head, waking up screaming thy name in the middle of the night till you surrender and let me meet your parents. Nice to meet you, you guys look pretty old, are you planning on leaving much in your will when you die mate? Nice one. Get my balls out at the dinner table so they can get some air, that’s how I roll you faggots.
Right I reckon that’s enough ranting for today. Blogs seem to be mostly for geeks now but whatever. I did my time in the school library being repulsive to females, I still have a right. No one’s reading this anyway, myspace is dead. No one likes me anymore, boo hoo, where the fuck am I meant to groom young girls now you heartless selfish bastards. See you in hell…IN HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.
